i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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