i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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