If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
