Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
