your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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