I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
