I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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