for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We had to coat check the pizza.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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