This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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