I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
