No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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