Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
