You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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