I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
