I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You may now shotgun with the bride
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
