I'm gonna have a badass scar
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
