I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
