There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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