But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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