shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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