he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
