My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
