so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
