Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
