Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
