Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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