I heard we made out
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
