Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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