I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you didnt know i had herpes?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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