Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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