Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
