Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
