a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
