Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
