Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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