I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
