She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
