Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
