I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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