sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
