Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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