I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
