"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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