I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
