last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
