headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
