Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
