he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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