I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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