I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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