I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
